Kenny's "NOT OVER SANDS".

As there is now an attenuation of lockdown rules in place I resolved to ride to Grange again, not directly across the beach on a gravel bike as in my recent lamentable attempt but around the sands this time on a road bike. The main cause for concern of riding 50 miles during the Coroneonic Wars is not the distance but the absence of food outlets to fuel oneself, so I consumed a plate of beans on toast at 10.30 to get me there & another plate at 11.30 to get me back, before setting off on my way at 12.00.  I rode out with utmost care so as not to burden the NHS any more than I have previously, as over many years of ‘visiting the scenery at some momentum’ I have had to call upon them to repair sundry parts of my anatomy which I have managed to break or lose entirely, over time this has led numerous people to enquire whether that is the reason I have never had children?  Soon I was pedalling along sunlit bucolic lanes within the Levens area which in my blissful passage I perceived to be bereft of any traffic, when in a moment I am aware of tractors coming at me at some considerable speed from all directions, charging into fields & out of fields, hurling wheat, chaff, grain & husks all over the bit of tarmac I had claimed as my own before their arrival, indeed never before in 40 years of cycling have I ever been so close to being harvested!  Following this agricultural affray I headed towards Witherslack on the old Barrow road where traffic levels really were almost negligible & led me to unwisely relax my guard, for suddenly I was aware of a movement in the hedgerow & the presence of a large dog, admittedly on a leash, but the owner was also very close to me, closer than one would wish during this pandemic & I accelerated quickly away in case he was infected with the Dogowner Virus or Rabid19 as vets refer to it.  This is I must impart not the first occasion I have come into actual contact with animals over many years, so far I have notches for 1 cat, 1 squirrel, 1 cockerel & 2 dogs on my carbon frame (which probably make it rather unsafe to ride any more) hence not for nothing am I referred to as ‘Roadkill Ken’ by some individuals.  I had by now decided that I would like the rest of my ride to be without further incident, however, coming into Grange there was another cyclist approaching me coming out of town & on a blind corner the driver of a Teutonic vehicle decided to pass him leaving me with only the grass verge left to escape an inevitable collision, thankfully he waved at me which obviously made his manoeuvre more acceptable & less hazardous to my own life!  This is not the first time I have been attacked by one of these vehicles which ostensibly have been modified from tanks manufactured by the warlike citizens of Prussia who remove the gun turrets & tracks, replace them with 13” aluminium wheels & infotainment & attach a BMW, AUDI, VW or Mercedes badge to the chassis & sell the lot to a load of psychopathic drivers in Britain to kill civilians with!  So by then I had definitely decided that I really would prefer no more aggravation for the rest of my day out.  It was then that the bloody hearse cut me up; I had no idea that a vehicle designed to transport dead bodies ceremonially at a pace accompanied by a musical dirge could go that fast, but this overtaker (or should that be undertaker?) came past me so close that he could have killed me.  Or perhaps that was his intention as maybe trade was a bit thin on the ground at the time & he saw a business opportunity in my own vulnerability, actually I did notice that the coffin had a S for small tab on it & would have fit me perfectly, always assuming that there wasn’t some body in there already of course.  People often say to me, “cycling by yourself, doesn’t it get boring”?  “Time to time it can get a bit tedious”, I reply, if only they knew! 

Kenny Roberts