KENNY’S MAGNUM 'OPELESS

Well, I have been cycling in mobile self isolation around the same old roads in the vicinity of my home for what seems like months & I have now begun to start talking to myself; years ago when you heard people talking randomly you would inevitably think ‘nutter’, but in these days of bluetooth technology it’s difficult to discern which it is, so I’ve actually painted one of my teeth blue so that people think I’m in the latter category rather than the former.  Living where I do the roads only allow travel in north, south & easterly directions, the west largely being un-navigable due to the presence of the Irish Sea, however, the other day I suddenly realised a way to utilise the western option when the tide is out as I now have one of those most fashionable contraptions, a gravel bike, with 32mm tyres & sand is only fine gravel after all, right!  So I made my way down Princes Crescent & onto the beach & set off over the sandy expanse towards Grange Over Sands, all was going well until I arrived at the ‘quick sands’, well ‘quick’ is a bit of a misnomer for as soon as I got there the bloody bike slowed down to -5 mph & started sinking.  Well, what an unmitigated disaster, soon it was down as far as the press fit bottom bracket & you know the problems you get with them even before you fill them with wet sand & seawater, so I struggled for about 2 hours trying to drag the thing out & by then the tide was coming in, I was doing this to avoid encumbering the RLI & looked like I was going to end up encumbering the RNLI as well!  So that was the end of that particular mode of navigation, my next endeavour to inject a bit of variety into my riding consisted of cycling along canal towpaths, all was good until I met a couple of walkers under a canal bridge at which point I was forced to do a 2 meter social distancing, hence if you ever see the canal authorities dredging up a 5 grand Bianchi it’s probably mine & I’d like it back please!   As I cycle along by myself I am aware that married couples are cycling along together past me & it is becoming a source of extreme annoyance that I am denied such mobile social contact, hence I have come to the regrettable conclusion that I may have to get myself a wife!  Previously I have always been happy to stay single & ride around with my cycling groups but thanks to this sodding virus I am stuck in isolation whilst they are all free to cycle along with their spouse.  Also due to the sodding virus everybody has bought up the world’s supply of turbo trainers,  I had considered maybe borrowing someone else’s smart turbo so sporadically I could at least cycle around with virtual companions but my relationships with turbos have always been rockier than ever they were with the opposite sex.  As an alternative I had considered maybe borrowing someone else’s wife but that probably would be a recipe for disaster, although a couple of blokes I mentioned it to said, “you can borrow mine for a couple of months if you’re really pushed”!  Anyway, I’ve decided that having one’s own wife is the only way to go, I can’t think that any British girl would be interested in a disfigured dwarf like me so I’ve elected to go further afield & try my luck in Italia.  Fortunately I’m effluent in Italian so I put together an advert to go in La Gazzetta Dello Velo that cost me 20 million lira, but that might be the best £1.50 I’ve ever spent!  So the translated advert said, ‘Passionate 25 year old cyclist with microwave seeks wife of similar age to share beans & travel, the successful applicant will receive a dowery comprising a Colnago C60 with Campagnolo groupset & Bora wheels.  So I sent it off yesterday but I’m a bit worried that with a fast bike like that I might never see her again, also it’s probably going to take weeks before she can get a scheduled flight from Milano followed by a fortnight in quarantine by which time all this lot might be over anyway, so bugger it, I’ll just ride around as I have been, on her Colnago, Knott End here I come!